The silent politics of the blended family wall

Imagine walking into your mother-in-law's house and noticing that all her grandchildren are featured in photographs on the wall, except for your child.

How about a wedding photo on the wall of your partner with his ex wife. Does this sound a little odd?

If you’re anything like my step-mother who encountered these situations, you’d be rather upset.

However, there’s more to this story than meets the eye.

Because, despite how these situations appear at first glance, there were perfectly innocent reasons for these oversights that had no malicious intent whatsoever.

So how could a grandchild be missing from their grandparents wall and it all just be a perfectly innocent mistake?

Let’s start with a bit of background. The missing child? She's my half-sister. She’s the daughter of my dad and his partner (my step mother), and she's significantly younger than me. 

This is relevant because while my cousins, full siblings, and I grew up in the film and printed photography era, my half-sister on the other hand is a member of the digital and cellphone photography era. In other words, there’s just not that many printed physical photos of her lying around. (Nor are there many of the rest of us grandchildren after the age of about16 either for that matter).

So one day, while rummaging through her attic, my grandmother stumbled upon an old box of photos that must’ve been packed away years ago when she sold her old house and moved into her current residence. Excited by the discovery, she decided to put some of them on the wall. 

And guess who happened to be in the neighbourhood that day to stop by for a cuppa?

That’s right– my step mother. And to her utter disappointment, there were no pictures of her daughter amongst the photos freshly hung on the wall.

But how could there have been? There weren’t any of her in that old photo box. I can’t even be sure she was even born when those photos were originally packed away.

Nevertheless, this oversight hit her hard. It wasn't just about missing photos; it felt like a tangible representation of years of her family unit feeling sidelined and overlooked in comparison to the rest of the full siblings.

While from my perspective, it seemed like an innocent oversight, I now realize how deeply personal these things can feel when you already sense a pattern of being overlooked–the point still remains that what could have been a simple misunderstanding sparked a heated argument, and caused significant hurt.

What about the wedding photo of the ex?

Well, my dad, he's kept his wedding photo with my late mum up on the wall of our family home since forever. It was there when she was alive, and it’s still there now. 

And just for a bit of context, Dad's new partner (my step mother), she's got her own family home with her children. They've never lived together under the same roof, even though they share a child. 

Also, It’s not like there’s ONLY the wedding photo with ‘the ex’ on the wall. There’s also plenty of photos of him and his partner on his walls too. Expecting him to erase his children's mother from their family home just because he's moved on would be unreasonable, don't you think?

Of course! This isn’t one of those stories about an evil jealous step-mother. Far from it. 

In fact, this wedding photo didn’t become a problem until Dad decided to renovate.

All the photographs and artwork that were on his wall had to be taken down to do the painting and plastering.

Once everything was completed, he wanted to show off the place. He invited some friends and family over for a party, and I went over to help him set up before guests arrived. 

The photos and artwork hadn’t been put back on the wall yet. We realised that some didn't quite go with the new style, and having too many would make it look crowded. So, we decided to be selective about what we put up. After all, the whole point of the party was to show off the new look and we wanted it to look its best.

And although not every photograph went back up on the wall, after the last incident, we made sure there was at least one photo of everyone. Because we just KNEW once my step-mother arrived, she’d scrutinise the wall to make sure everyone was represented.

Everything was going smoothly…or so I thought…

At first, it didn’t occur to me that anything was wrong. The updated wall looked great, and we’d made sure everyone was represented. But as soon as my stepmother arrived, I could sense something was off.

She scanned the room, taking in the carefully arranged display. And then, her expression changed. I watched as she walked straight to one particular photo—my father’s wedding picture with my late mother.

“This is what he puts back up?” she muttered, frustration clear in her voice.

I was caught off guard. The photo had always been there—it wasn’t a new addition, nor was it meant as a statement. But I realized, standing there in that moment, that to her, the wall told a different story. With fewer photos overall, the remaining ones now carried more weight. And without realising it, we had unintentionally sent a message—one that made her feel overlooked in her own relationship.

She found a picture of her and my father together from a stack we hadn’t rehung and placed it on the wall herself. I didn’t stop her. The pain behind her reaction made me see something I hadn’t before: The wall wasn’t just decoration. It was a reflection of belonging, a silent but powerful statement about who holds space in a family.

The problem if you happened to figure it out before I did was that the selection of photographs on display; in particular her having the individual shot, while dad and mums wedding picture remained, painted the picture that my dads main relationship was with his ex wife, as though he hadn’t truly moved on. 

And yes, now that I’ve written this down, and laid out all the evidence of the case, I do feel like a bit of an idiot in hindsight.

The power of ‘The Wall’

The difference between reading this all here and real life, is that in real life you don’t realise that the wall is even ‘a thing’.

And by a thing, I mean that the wall isn’t just a wall. It can have much deeper meaning. It has the power to both stab you in the heart, or on the flipside, draw you in closer with a greater feeling of certainty in your relationships.

It wasn’t until I witnessed somebody having such an intense response to something I’d previously thought so benign, that I even began to scratch the surface of being clued-in to just how political, contentious, and meaningful the space on the wall really is to members of a family’s sense of belonging, inclusion, and position within a family.

The wall is probably up there with its more famous cousin: the wedding guestlist – both in how contentious it can be, and the expectations and hurt feelings that can arise when having to make the call of who’s on it and who’s not.

Only nobody’s talking about it. It’s not like we’re ever taught any of this wall etiquette stuff.

 And I suppose it’s not even really something we need to be taught, just brought to our attention.

When you’re actively thinking about it, it seems so obvious that having your wedding photo up with your ex while your current partner only has an individual photo on the wall might send the message that you value your past relationship more. 

But this isn’t what we typically do is it? (Okay, maybe some of us do,  but not all of us are paying attention to the details). 

Because, a lot of the time, the photos that end up on our wall, often end up there accidentally. We don’t always put a lot of thought into this.

Looking around my walls right now, it's funny how these photos ended up here. Most were either pre-framed photos given as presents or inherited heirloom pieces. The only ones I went out of my way to put up are one of my cat, and a painted portrait of my brother. The fact it’s even of my brother is incidental; the original photo it’s based on just had interesting deep shadows and shapes that inspired the painting. Now I’m looking around, this is the first time I’ve even paid attention to who’s on my wall.

(fun fact, when you’re the artist making the portraits, people instead judge how much they think you love them based on whether or not you’ve created a portrait for them, but that’s a story, and a big can of worms, for another day).

Blended family and the wall. An accident waiting to happen?

In a family with just two parents and their kids; all living together, arranging family photos is pretty straightforward. You schedule a session with a photographer, and that's that. Everyone is included, and having photos of just your immediate family is seen as the norm. No one feels left out because it's expected. Even the wedding invite list probably wouldn't cause such a fuss if it were customary to only invite immediate family.

But when we start to paint outside these lines, everything can get a little more tricky. 

So, do we include the partners in our family portrait? But what if they break up? Hmm, maybe we should just include one of the partners since they've been together for almost 10 years, and the other partner for only 2. But then, will the other partner be upset? Okay, let's scrap the idea of including any partners. But wait, they've been together for 10 years, surely everyone sees them as part of the family. Argh, this is so confusing!

This delicate dance isn't just limited to modern families when deciding who to feature in their family portraits. It's something that can pop up whenever you've got different groups of people and you've got to make choices about who's included and who's not.

There's often this question quietly hanging in the air about what criteria was used for the selection, and whether biases or favoritism played a part.

While feelings of being left out or undervalued can emerge in different situations, the wall of one's home carries significant personal meaning. While to some a wall is just a wall, culturally It’s seen as a visible representation of one’s heart, making any existing doubts about acceptance tangible. Insufficient prominence or outright omission from what’s seen by some as the most personal of all places can lead people to question where they stand.

To complicate matters further, while some people may be pleased to be included on the wall, others may find some people’s inclusion on their sacred family wall to be an unwelcome intrusion.

For instance, while step parents and step children may feel a sense of inclusion being on the wall, the biological children may feel a sense of loss that their other parent no longer lives with them, with the wall providing a permanent reminder of an unwanted reality

So when it comes to the wall, how can we get it right?

Taking a moment to consider our walls, an activity we often overlook, can be a good starting point. 

When commissioning a family portrait in Wellington, these decisions become especially important because the artwork is designed to live prominently in your home for years to come.

Of course, no wall can always be perfect, and we can’t control how people will feel. But by giving it a little more thought, we can at least try to make sure our walls reflect the love and connection we want them to.

For instance, in my blended family, perhaps going for a group family portrait including everyone would have been a good choice. Even before the two incidents with the walls, there were comments about inclusion and comparisons of treatment among family members coming from the family member who later took offense to the changes on our family walls. In other words, we could have foreseen the upset response if only we’d known about ‘the power of the wall’. 

In a different blended family, going for a large "Brady Bunch" style portrait might not be the best approach. It could serve as a painful reminder to some family members that their original families are no longer intact. In such cases, a better option might be to have portraits taken of just the children or even individual portraits—excluding the adults. This way, everyone feels equally valued and on equal footing within the new family unit, without any distressing reminders.

The best approach depends on the people involved, their personalities, and the dynamics of your family. And if you’re not sure, sometimes just having an open conversation can help!

Must we overthink this? Can’t we just use our walls to express ourselves as we wish?

Absolutely—but if a small change can make someone feel more included, it might be worth considering. While we can’t anticipate or control every reaction, a little thoughtfulness can go a long way in making our walls not just personal, but also welcoming to the people who matter to us.

Moreover, a portrait that considers their sensitivities can not only prevent hurt feelings from bubbling up upon viewing it, but it can also help alleviate some of the underlying insecurities that may have triggered those feelings in the first place.

At the end of the day, walls tell stories—whether we intend them to or not. By choosing thoughtfully, we can make sure the message they send is one of love and belonging